Blog Posts

Short Stories About Mothers

8/10/2015

Short Stories About Mothers is the first in a planned series of collaborative publications edited by Steven Short. For more information visit: www.shortstoriesabout.co.uk

Those who have encountered some of the somewhat nauseating homilies about motherhood that pop up on Facebook or the like will be reassured to learn that the pieces in this book are refreshingly free from sentiment. Encased in a plain pillar box red cover, they cover a wide range of experiences. There are reminiscences of the writers’ mothers, both warm and harsh. There are women in the front line of motherhood, as it were, in full realisation that the days of parenthood seem very long, but the years fly by and suddenly your baby is gone. There are sad tales of babies lost. There is also motherhood observed: the refugee woman desperate to see her children, the woman who realises that she will now not be a mother, those in religious orders as mother to many. There are striking pictures throughout and a lovely set of photos of mothers on the school run. A thoughtful, thought-provoking collection.

Keeping calm....

7/15/2015

We all have long to-do lists that we never seem to get to the end of. Before you become a mother you can forget about it by going out for a night with friends. What happens though, when your list is not only never-ending but inescapable? This is the case for new mothers. The small creature in their charge is constantly needing food, sleep, comfort and the poor mother, exhausted and irritable, feels like she cannot get any respite to take care of her own needs. This feeling of being like a hamster on a wheel with the mind whirring through all the tasks, or fretting about things that can’t be done because of having to hold the baby is overwhelming. Every time I was feeding my baby on the sofa I would notice a book upside down on the bookshelf opposite but kept forgetting it when I got up because of all the tasks I was rushing to do, only to be annoyed by it all over again the next time I felt imprisoned on the sofa by my hungry baby.

Go easy on yourself - It is hard to do but at this point in your life relax and go with the flow. Mindfulness teaches us to be present in the moment, even if that moment is stressful and upsetting. The pushing away of worries only increases them, so really focus on what is happening now. If you are feeding your baby, notice what sounds you can hear, what your baby feels like in your arms, observe all the details of their face or hands. It is important to be more forgiving of yourself and others. Maybe the housework or life-plans slide for a while, but it doesn’t matter in the long term. Take time to sit in the sunshine, or hug your partner. It may feel like an eternity, but the period when your baby is tiny and all-consuming passes quite quickly. So instead of berating yourself on tasks undone, make an ‘achievement’ rather than a to-do list. Note everything you have managed to do for you and baby that day, especially things like changing nappies, washing-up or having a shower. Then you will see what you are truly accomplishing each day.

Other tips • Do a three minute meditation when your baby is asleep. Close your eyes, observe what is happening in your thoughts, feelings and body. Identify and acknowledge it, for example ‘just worrying’, ‘just anger’, then return your focus to your breath. • There are several phone apps to help with mindfulness (Insight Timer) and monitoring feelings. ‘Mappiness’ asks what you are doing and feeling a number of times a day, so you can observe stressful times and manage them better. • Invest in a sling so your baby can be close to you while you do chores. • Write down all the things that cause you resentment: situations, people, even your baby, then shred it.

New mums need more support - sign the petition here

https://www.change.org/p/public-health-england-amp-nhs-new-mothers-need-more-support-help-them-now?just_created=true

Maggie Gordon-Walker's speech at the Woman Up! Event, Emporium, Brighton 18/4/2015

4/18/2015

Imagine a mother having just given birth. The midwife places the newborn in her arms and she will feel a mixture of exhaustion and ecstasy. ‘This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Everything’s going to be wonderful’, not, ‘Where’s the exit? This is all too much.’ She may get the baby blues for a few days or even weeks, but that’s just normal and will go away in time. This is the received wisdom, trotted out to first-time mothers. However, the reality for most women is somewhat different.

When I gave birth to my first child ten years ago in London, I was staggered as to how extraordinarily isolated I felt. I remember the sensation of being marooned in a big tunnel straight after his birth, cocooned from reality by the effects of the epidural. The midwife said, ‘Let’s get Mum up to the ward’ and I thought, ‘my Mum’s not here, is she?’ I couldn’t get my head round the fact that I was ‘Mum’. In the fog of the first few weeks, I kept thinking how hard everything was – I was conscious of being at odds with myself, although I’d give the impression that everything was fine. At any activities I found the focus was always on the babies and all the conversation related to that.

There’s a form you fill out at your six-week check at the doctor that includes questions such as, ‘Have you ever felt like harming yourself or your baby?’ I didn’t feel that, but who would want to tick ‘yes’ to this and have herself branded as an unfit mother? To admit that you are finding so difficult what many thousands, including your own mother, have done before you. That this longed-for bundle of joy should be so daunting. Add to this the stigma that still exists around mental health issues and it’s no wonder the feeling of panic sets in. The phrase ‘post-natal depression’ is itself depressing! It is more correctly known as post-natal illness and it’s estimated that it affects between 70 and 100,000 women and their babies in the UK every year. These are just the reported figures, the truth is many women suffer in silence.

We live in an increasingly fast-paced society, where you can leave hospital as quickly as a few hours after giving birth and are expected to get on with it. Gone are the days when the whole street would rally round to help the new family, while the mother rested and adjusted. Families these days are small, not extended, often you have moved away from where you grew up; women delay having children to pursue careers, so to be suddenly thrust into the role of housebound new mum without a support network can be terrifying.

Occasionally there is a high-profile case where the public can gasp at the horror of a woman who has killed her own child. There is far less coverage for a mother who has taken her own life. More than ten per cent of maternal deaths - that's deaths within one year of giving birth - are caused by suicide. This doesn't even include suicides which come later, in some cases much later. In 2000 there was a mother from Cheshire who lay down in front of a train because she had never recovered from the depression that started with the birth of her 24-year-old son.

What I would like to see is equal weight being given to the post-natal period as to the pre-natal. It needs to be realised that the mental health of a mother following a birth is as important as her physical health beforehand. When the mother’s needs are not met, nor are those of her family. Postnatal depression has been associated with an increase in family conflict and has a detrimental impact on a partner's mental health, as well as causing financial problems. The impacts of perinatal mental health problems on children include emotional difficulties and behavioural problems and special educational needs. You may think if you’re not a parent, this doesn’t affect you. It does. You might not be a mother, but we all have, or had, a mother and your upbringing may affect you more than you realise.

You could well be thinking what will all this cost? Frankly, we can't afford NOT to take action. According to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance’s report last October, inadequate maternal care costs the UK £8bn a year, with a comparatively modest £337m required to tackle it. EIGHT BILLION POUNDS EVERY YEAR on trying to close the stable door once the horse has bolted. Why are we playing catch-up instead of investing in preventative measures?

Why does the problem exist? It begins because women are not supported adequately around their birth, often seeing several different professionals during their pregnancy and labour. A traumatic birth can have a long-term impact on mental health. And once the baby is born, most women are signed off by their health visitor after ten days and left to get on with it.

there is still an insistence on dividing mothers into those with ‘baby blues’ (perceived as the vast majority) from those with post-natal depression (perceived as a small proportion). The latter are usually treated with medication and specialist counselling. These women are kept apart, in ‘closed groups’ at health clinics. I know this, because I have had a devil of a job infiltrating these groups to see if any of the women would like to come to Mothers Uncovered. It’s as if there’s a fear that they might ‘infect’ the other mothers.

To access a PND group you need to be referred by your doctor or health visitor. There is a shaming stigma of ‘not coping’. It is imperative that this period, with its rollercoaster of emotions, is reclassified as normal rather than extreme. I’m not disputing the fact that PND exists and sufferers of it may well need medication and counselling. However, every single mother I have spoken to in the last few years has felt they couldn’t find an adequate outlet for their feelings at the beginning. Were they all suffering from depression? Additionally, on some days they wanted to celebrate how much they loved being a mother and share that with others. They didn’t want to describe themselves as depressed then. Both the terminology and the attitude to this period of motherhood is wrong. Most women have 'new motherhood syndrome' in which it is perfectly normal to be blissfully happy one moment and in the depths of despair the next. If the right support were there in the first place, I firmly believe a lot of women would not develop PND.

Many women also feel they have no one to talk to. People might say there are church halls up and down the country packed with Mum & Baby groups, which is true. These are usually informal drop-ins however, not suitable for discussing issues that might be difficult and painful. The last thing a vulnerable new mother needs is to walk into a large room of chattering women who all seem to know each other. Courses run in children’s centres for new parents can help, but these are usually run by a health professional, creating an ‘us and them’ atmosphere.

This is why I set up Mothers Uncovered in 2008 for Livestock the registered charity I’m co-founder of. We have helped hundreds of women with our creative support groups focused on the mother, rather than the baby. Women meet weekly for five weeks in the same group, facilitated by mothers who are past participants. It helps hugely that those who are running the group are not present as experts or providing advice. As it says on our publicity: ‘We are not perfect mothers. We certainly don’t want to tell you how to be mothers. We are going through it all too. In short, we are just like you.’ Participants quickly feel able to open up as they realise they are not the only ones struggling, they begin to feel less isolated and start to take ownership of their lives and decisions. In the words of a past participant, ‘Mothers Uncovered fills a gap you didn’t even know was there.’

We believe it is essential that Mothers Uncovered is present everywhere, but like many small organisations, keeping afloat is sometimes a challenge. All that is required is a welcoming room and a facilitator to manage the sessions. And some tea and biscuits. The facilitators need a small amount of training and ongoing support, which can be provided by their peers. It’s not exactly the moon on a stick, is it?! I’ve set up a petition on Change.org addressed to the NHS & Public Health England. There’s a link to it on our website www.mothersuncovered.com

The last thing that marginalises mothers is how they’re presented in the media, which is full of opinions about motherhood, little jibes about the categories of mother: ‘career bitches, ‘yummy mummies’, ‘hippies breast-feeding their children into adulthood.’ There is an assumption that a mother’s day is filled by checking out the latest gossip on Mumsnet Towers and a spot of lunch, with a few nappy changes here and there. Very little is written by mothers detailing their life in that first year. It is recorded retrospectively, if at all. This is mostly because it can get to 2.00pm before a new mother can find the time to brush her teeth. Of the various articles written, nothing is more damning than pieces from women who have not been able to have children, castigating mothers as ‘moaning’. Yes, we’ve been having babies for centuries, they say, so why all this fuss now? Nobody expected bringing up children to be a breeze, but there is something about a mother’s state of mind in the months following the birth, hit by the juggernaut of responsibility, that sets it apart from the challenges faced later on in parenthood.

Then of course those celebrity mothers who lose their baby weight within 5 minutes. A couple of years back I saw a picture of Amanda Holden arriving at a Britain’s Got Talent audition. ‘Less than a month after giving birth to her daughter’ trumpeted the paper (probably the Daily Fail), ‘and after having been in intensive care, here she is “radiant” in blue silk dress by blah blah blah…’
There is the picture of her looking radiant, as promised. Her stomach is as flat as a young girl’s. Perhaps she’s been photo-shopped. Perhaps not. It doesn’t really matter when this is all we see. Women who give birth at the age of nearly 41 and spend time in intensive care should not look like this a few weeks later. As soon as she was released from hospital she must have been on a hardcore diet and exercise regime. And for what…? To show that she is still worthy of her crown as ‘Woman who Cries on Judging Panel’. She knows she must look perfect, every moment she is not in her own house, because if she allows it to slip, for even a second, there’s several hungry up and coming starlets desperate to be in her shoes.

Was it always this bad? Women have always been judged more on their appearance, rather than their ideas or accomplishments, this is not new. Are they not allowed to let real life show, even for a day or two…?
When I run Mothers Uncovered workshops, I ask participants to name mothers in the public eye that might be considered role models. There is always a thoughtful silence as they cast their mind over the various actresses, presenters, singers etc and concede that none of these women are shown mothering. Even when they are in their 43 page ‘Hello!’ feature special, everything is perfect, everything is manufactured.
This maybe wouldn’t matter, if it weren’t for the fact that the 99% of mothers who are not in the public eye feel inadequate next to these airbrushed lovelies. They feel fat, messy, exhausted, irritable, emotional. They ache all over. They wonder if they’ll ever be anything beyond ‘mum’ again.

In my case, like for so many women, I gradually realised that rather than being a strange freak, I was just a normal mother trying to cope with the enormity of the responsibility with inadequate preparation. That in turn put the feelings in proportion. I had a relatively mild case of depression (I suppose – I was never diagnosed), which lifted in time, For most women, they do just ‘get on with it’ and the memories of that turbulent time fade. By the time they re-enter the fray, they may find it hard to even remember that time clearly and may well not wish to, feeling thankful that they seem to have survived relatively intact. This is why the problem still continues. Just because women do ‘get on with it’ and seem to be managing later on, doesn’t mean they should have to. As a society we should offer more than that, especially when the support is easily achievable? And for the women whose lives are permanently blighted by their experiences of becoming a mother the situation must change.

Petitioning Public Health England, NHS Duncan Selbie, CEO - Public Health England & Simon Stevens, CEO - NHS New mothers are struggling. They need more support - help them now.

3/25/2015

Our petition on Change.org - https://www.change.org/p/public-health-england-nhs-new-mothers-need-more-support-help-them-now?just_created=true

At least one in ten mothers in Britain experiences post-natal depression (PND) according to research, and many more are suffering in silence. Too many women are falling through the cracks in maternal healthcare as their physical and emotional needs go unmet. Peer support projects such as Mothers Uncovered can stop the development of PND in its tracks.

PND doesn't just affect the mother, it affects her family – and it affects you.

When the mother’s needs are not met, nor are those of her family. The impacts of perinatal mental health problems on children include emotional difficulties, behavioural problems and special educational needs (i). Postnatal depression has been associated with an increase in family conflict and has a detrimental impact on a partner's mental health, as well as causing financial problems (ii,iii). You may think if you’re not a parent, this doesn’t affect you. It does. You might not be a mother, but we all have, or had, a mother and your upbringing may affect you more than you realise.

You could well be thinking what will all this cost? Frankly, we can't afford NOT to take action. Inadequate maternal care costs the UK £8bn [iv] a year, with a comparatively modest £337m required to tackle it. EIGHT BILLION POUNDS EVERY YEAR on trying to close the stable door once the horse has bolted. Why are we playing catch-up instead of investing in preventative measures?

Why does the problem exist? First, because women are not supported adequately around their birth, often seeing several different professionals during their pregnancy and labour. A traumatic birth can have a long-term impact on mental health. And once the baby is born, most women are signed off by their health visitor after ten days and left to get on with it.

Second, there is still an insistence on dividing mothers into those with ‘baby blues’ (perceived as the vast majority) from those with post-natal depression (perceived as a small proportion). The latter are usually treated with medication and specialist counselling. To access a PND group you need to be referred by your doctor or health visitor. There is a shaming stigma of ‘not coping’ and many women do not identify themselves as ‘depressed’. Most women have 'new motherhood syndrome' in which it is perfectly normal to be blissfully happy one moment and in the depths of despair the next. It is imperative that this period, with its rollercoaster of emotions, is reclassified as normal rather than extreme.

Third, many women feel they have no one to talk to. There are many mum and baby groups, but they are usually informal drop-ins in which other mothers may appear to be coping much better. Courses run in children’s centres for new parents can help, but these are usually run by a health professional, creating an ‘us and them’ atmosphere.

So what else is there?

In Brighton and Hove, there is Mothers Uncovered started in 2008 by Maggie Gordon-Walker , set up as a project for registered charity Livestock which she is co-founder of. We have helped hundreds of women with our creative support groups focused on the mother, rather than the baby. Women meet weekly for five weeks in the same group, facilitated by mothers who are past participants. As it says on our publicity: ‘We are not perfect mothers. We certainly don’t want to tell you how to be mothers. We are going through it all too. In short, we are just like you.’

Participants quickly feel able to open up as they realise they are not the only ones struggling, they begin to feel less isolated and start to take ownership of their lives and decisions.

Of course it is essential to have the statutory services there, women are very grateful for the care that the NHS provides. However, a lot of women would never get to the stage of severe PND if the right support were there in the first place. If peer support services were given better prominence and were supported themselves, then the massive burden on the NHS would ease.

We believe it is essential that Mothers Uncovered (and groups like it) are present everywhere, but we need your support to prove it is needed. Like many small organisations, keeping afloat is sometimes a challenge. All that is required is a welcoming room and a facilitator to manage the sessions. And some tea and biscuits. The facilitators need a small amount of training and ongoing support, which can be provided by their peers. It’s not exactly the moon on a stick, is it?!

In order not to be costing the country £8bn every year, here is what’s needed.
1. Greater investment into specialist birth centres and training more midwives so that woman can feel supported rather than scared and alone.
2. The term ‘new motherhood syndrome’ to be recognised as the period after birth, when it is normal rather than extreme to experience powerful emotions.
3. Give the same weight to the postnatal period as the antenatal period: More appointments with professionals, to include debriefing about the birth and identify potential depression.
4. Investment into peer support groups such as Mothers Uncovered to build confidence and create a community.

Show your support by signing. Remember, it is not just about mothers, it’s about everyone.

Watch a video about Mothers Uncovered: https://vimeo.com/80274601

Maggie Gordon-Walker’s article about post-natal support http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/08/health-system-failing-new-mothers-postnatal-depression-nhs

A testimonial for Mothers Uncovered from a past participant : https://vimeo.com/85605834

We would also like to highlight the work of other excellent organisations/services/groups & individuals working in this area. If you'd like to be added to this list, please mention this in the comments or contact Maggie via www.mothersuncovered.com or twitter @mothersuncoverd

1. Open House - Nottingham Open House (OH) was founded by a group of Mums in early 2012 with the aim of supporting those who are or have been affected by any psychological and emotional condition which has developed during pregnancy or during the postnatal period. Nottingham

2.Mamaheaven Specially tailored yoga retreats for mothers and babies under 18 months old. Sussex.

3. Atomised Mothers film A short film about isolation, 'austerity', and the politics of parenthood by Michal Nahman, an anthropologist and mother of two. Bristol.

4. Riga Forbes supports groups of women during pregnancy, through Birth Vision courses for birth-preparation. East Sussex.

5. Butterflies PND support PND support group. Also support with birth trauma. Using mindfulness & yoga as healing tools plus Well Woman yoga for healing pelvic floor issues. Watford.

6. Cocoon Family Support Support for families affected by postnatal depression in north west London.

7. Lotus Petal PND Peer Support & Advice For Parents Suffering From Pre & Postnatal Mental Illness, Essex

8. SPIN Brighton Information network for single parents providing regular emails to members & support, advice, opportunities for meetups & events. Brighton & Hove

9.Poynton PANDAS Poynton PANDAS Support Group is here for parents suffering pre and postnatal depression.Poynton

10.Pregnancy Sickness Support is the only UK based charity supporting women with this condition. In its extreme form it is known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Coventry.

11.Mums Aid A non-profit organisation providing free counselling for women experiencing mental health problems or emotional difficulties during pregnancy or postnatally. Greenwich, London.

12. Mothertime Claire Arnold-Baker - psychotherapist specialising in new mothers, offering individual sessions and groups, Reading.

13. Story of Mum Community to let go of guilt and rediscover yourself in motherhood. Sharing our gloss-free stories and carving out vital creative time for YOU. Cornwall

References

i. Boath EH, Pryce AJ, Cox JL. Postnatal depression: The impact on the family. Journal of Reproductive & Infant Psychology. 1998;16(2-3):199-203.
ii. Burke L. The impact of maternal depression on familial relationships. International Review of Psychiatry. 2003;15(3):243-55.
iii. Chew-Graham CA, Sharp D, Chamberlain E, Folkes L, Turner KM. Disclosure of symptoms of postnatal depression, the perspectives of health professionals and women: a qualitative study. BMC Fam Pract. 2009;10:9.
iv. Maternal Mental Health Alliance, 2014 http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/oct/20/mental-health-care-new-mothers-cost-study

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Whose Film is it Anyway..?

3/5/2015

I really like the film Mamma Mia. There, I’ve said it. I watched it on telly again last night and was reminded of this. I can already see large numbers of you shaking your heads ruefully at my lack of taste.

As someone with a reasonably healthy cultural background, I have kept this embarrassing admission under wraps until now, fully aware that ‘proper’ films are classics, such as Citizen Kane, Apocalypse Now, The Godfather(s), art house films, thrillers, John Wayne Westerns etc.

I do enjoy many of the above. I have a predilection for Coen Brothers’ films and Woody Allen’s of yore. I also like the highest grossing UK film (until Avatar) of all time. I can understand if it’s not your thing. Yes, it is corny and sentimental; the dialogue can be trite, Brosnan’s singing is not especially pleasant; Meryl Streep, though wonderful, is about ten years too old for the part. And we could do with some more humour – Walters and Baranski as the comedy sidekicks are great, but there’s not enough of them.

The film acquired its success because of the droves of women who flocked to see it (with a few reluctant males in tow). The reason they went is not because they are intellectually inferior to men, but because very few mainstream films place women at the emotional heart of a film. At best there’ll be an equal division of male and female, but it’s usually the token wife/girlfriend/mother role - a lone she-wolf in a line-up of males. Or if they do form the heart of a film, they are often alarmingly neurotic, as in the case of Black Swan.

Women don’t especially want neurotic melodrama. My goodness, we have enough of that when we break a nail! Or stand on the scales! Or have PMT!! Mamma Mia is certainly not high art, but it is enjoyable. Yes, we’re swept away by the escapism of gorgeous people running round a Greek island to a fabulous soundtrack, but we’re also drawn to the warmth, honesty and real friendships on screen. To see the female characters taking action and the responsibility for their actions, to be at the centre, not an appendage. We also don’t take kindly to films that depict this being dismissed by sneering critics as a ‘chick flick’.

There isn’t, as far as I’m aware, an equivalent male term to ‘chick flick’. A typically male film, I would argue, is Reservoir Dogs. It’s superbly made and I greatly enjoy the bitching about names in the opening scene, but a lot of the film is taken up with shouting and pointing their guns at each other. A ‘boy toy’ film. It is not described as that. It is just a film. A ‘classic’ film. And yet women are supposed to get themselves in a lather of excitement over something that contains not a single female character, except for a ‘Shocked Woman’ and a ‘Shot Woman.’ Nice.

Sometimes I see an improvement in what's on offer for the 'fairer' sex. Bridesmaids, for example, which did well commercially and critically. This pleases me greatly and leads me to hope for more of the same. We do make up half the human race, after all.

So what's that Peer Support thing all about then....?

2/26/2015

Having taken part in this study about peer support, it has struck me both how often I’ve had to explain what peer support is and how, when people realise what it is, they see it is as such an everyday part of existence that they cannot comprehend why such a thing should be treated as lesser that statutory services, why so many groups struggle to continue and are often so reliant on volunteers.

I was asked to come along to a health visitors meeting last year to talk about Mothers Uncovered. I took along Heidi, one of my new facilitators, who is so very passionate about what we do. As she talked about what the group had done for her, I couldn’t help noticing that while some of those present looked supportive and interested, others did not. ‘We run groups,’ piped up one defensively. They wanted to know why we charged people to attend and how much a group cost to run. I said about £800-900, depending on the cost of the venue. There was much teeth-sucking at that – the groups they run are free. Yes, but the salaries of those who run them are paid and they are held in venues where there is no charge and an administrator to deal with enquiries and publicise the activities. I would love to offer free courses, but the facilitators have to earn a living too. As we have now had to start charging for courses we can no longer run them at children’s centres, which is ridiculous as these have the best environment for them, not to mention a ready made clientele.

Some of them clearly felt more comfortable once they had pigeonholed Mothers Uncovered as a 'creative group', therefore probably a bit hippyish and insubstantial, not like the ‘real’ work they did. Yes, there's an arts element to what we do, but arts therapy is an extremely well established and respected tradition across a wide range of spheres. We were rather taken aback by the hostility; after all, we’d been invited to attend. So was the person who had invited us, who said somewhat embarrassedly, that she didn’t understand the attitudes of some of those present. I didn’t have the presence of mind to defend our position fully at that point having not anticipated the attitude, but I can here.

What Mothers Uncovered and many other fantastic groups offer is peer support and the building of a community. This means that those who run it are not present as experts who are teaching the group skills or imparting wisdom, but as someone with a similar experience. As it says on our publicity; ‘We are not perfect mothers. We certainly don’t want to tell you how to be mothers. We are going through it all too. In short, we are just like you.’ Women attending our groups begin to feel less isolated, they start to take ownership of their lives and their decisions and they want to give back to the community that has helped them. Of course it is essential to have the statutory services there – many people are in need of medication and specialist counselling and the majority of those who contributed to the report we commissioned were very grateful for the care that the NHS had provided. However, if the peer support services were given better prominence, (maybe sharing venues with the NHS?) and were supported themselves, then the massive burden placed on the NHS would ease and we might have the ‘Big Society’ that Cameron yarps on about without a clue as to how to achieve it.

Mothers Uncovered Needs Your Help...

12/1/2014

Mothers Uncovered has been running for seven years. In that time, we have run seventeen groups for mothers and their babies/children. We’ve also run large-scale events, such as Mother Nurture and Big Sunday; performances and rehearsed readings; the new improvisation troupe Mothers Uncorked. We are currently participating in a peer support study to show that our activities make a real difference - hundreds of mothers and their families have found comfort and support by coming together to share experiences.

Mothers Uncovered is a member of Localgiving, through our registered charity Livestock. To celebrate Giving Tuesday, in association with the Office for Civil Society, they are tripling 1,000 x £10 donations made to local charities on Tuesday the 2nd of December! #givingtuesday

Funding is becoming increasingly hard to get and we haven’t yet secured enough money to run our activities next year. We really need your help to continue providing our groups and events to women at low cost. If you have benefited from Mothers Uncovered, please make a £10 donation.

Donating is very simple. Go to www.localgiving.com/livestock and click on the Donate Now button. You enter the amount you want to donate, enter your card details or pay by Paypal. That’s it! You won’t get loads of spam after that. If you choose to give £10 your donation could be boosted by an extra £20! They will randomly allocate £20 of match funding to 1,000 £10 donations made between the start and end of the promotion. Anyone who donates to a charity as part of the promotion will be informed via email within 3 working days as to whether or not their donation(s) have been tripled.

Please help us to carry on helping mothers....

My friends.....

9/4/2014

Recently I read an article entitled ‘Why are women’s friendships so darn complicated…?’

It bemoaned the fact that all women filled their time with vendettas, feuds and bitching sessions against other females who they purported to be their friends.

This article was written by a man leading me to think why are men’s opinions of women so darn clichéd…? It would be like me saying all men ogle scantily clad FHM lovelies (oh hang on…..). Men may say they prefer their uncomplicated friendships, centred around activities and bloke-y type conversations about certain topics. Yet when they face difficulties in their lives, they need to talk too, probably turning to the women in their lives to do so. It is part of the human condition surely, to be moved by emotions.

It is true that there are women in the world who take great delight in excluding certain other girls from the inner circle. Their personalities are an unattractive blend of snide, vindictive and spiteful. I have encountered these females through school, university and sadly well into my adult life. Generally, these are not the woman I tend to associate with, preferring to keep a safe distance from the former group.

My friends are women I can implicitly trust. They are generous, thoughtful and caring. I mean true friends here, not the many acquaintances one seems to accrue by being on Facebook. (I don’t stage vendettas against them either, to be clear). Our busy lives mean we may not be able to see or be in touch with people as much as we would like, but we can pick up the threads of friendship easily when we do. We support and want the best for each other. We are not jealous of these friends’ other friendships. That sort of attitude has been left behind in the playground for us.

I would argue that this is the more typical attitude of women to each other when they have passed the age of fifteen. By and large, this jostling for supremacy among the younger, more vulnerable female species is to establish who is top dog (or cat) and therefore worthy of the man’s attention. And while women are still judged more by their physical attractiveness and ‘marriageability’ than their achievements, this behaviour will remain rife. Enjoy FHM (Page 3 in all but name) boys….

Me, Myself, I.....

8/3/2014

If you were asked to define yourself, what might you say? A woman, a mother, a daughter, a businesswoman, an artist…? Here’s what happens if you phone up a large company, such as a utility provider.

You: Hello, I’d like to purchase some vastly overpriced gas, please.

Person on end of phone: Certainly. Can I just take some personal details? Is it Miss, Mrs or Ms…..?

Let’s break this down. Here’s the options.

Are you a sad, lonely spinster who will die alone surrounded by cats…?

Are you normal and respectable and predictable with the faintest whiff of being about to run amok like a Stepford escapee?

Are you a ball-breaking, man-hating, angry feminist divorcee who will be eaten by feral cats…?

Ok, it’s not that bad. But I always feel a sinking sense upon hearing this and hesitate momentarily between Miss and Ms.* I’m not married, you see. I have a partner (more of this anon) with whom I have two children. I’m sure I remember reading somewhere that you weren’t supposed to use Ms unless you’d been married. Maybe this is not so.

If I was married it wouldn’t cross my mind, I expect. But I’m not, so I’m wondering why must women still define themselves by their marital status in 2014?

It’s not the case everywhere. In France, you are Mademoiselle until you reach adulthood, then you become Madame. That’s it. You also keep your surname as a matter of course. One of the questions we ask participants at Mothers Uncovered is whether their children have the same surname as them, which can bring up a surprising amount of hitherto unnoticed animosity.

Can’t we just pick one of those three terms and be done with it? Think of all the ink it would save on forms – it’s an environmental issue!

If it comes to it, do we need titles at all…? Gasp of horror from the titled establishment, who wouldn’t then receive the requisite amount of cap-doffing. Well, they can buy a catflap and be done with it.

Also, if you’re not married, what do you call your ‘significant other’? ‘Partner’ smacks of a legal or work term to me. That’s the one I generally default to, but I don’t like it. Other half, fella, geezer, bird, ‘er indoors….? Boyfriend and girlfriend are fine, but once you’re past forty seem a little inappropriate.

Suggestions on a virtual postcard please….

* I generally opt for Ms. I’m training all the nearby cats right now….

MOTHERS UNCOVERED IN THE GUARDIAN

7/9/2014

Mothers Uncovered is all about women reconnecting with the self behind the mother. It's a mum group, more than a mum and baby group. Such things are rare - women, and especially mothers, repeatedly say something along the lines of, 'the baby's fine, I'm not really, but no, I mustn't say that, yes, everything's all fine…' They are experts in self-neglect and yes, this does have a detrimental effect on the baby and everyone else around them.

There is a desperate need for an environment where they can share the brave new world they are in. That's why PND groups don't always fit the bill. By and large, these women have 'new motherhood', not PND and people don't want to feel they are being scrutinised and monitored, with notes being kept about them on medical files.

I have written variations on this theme for the last few years and wanted this opinion to be put out there. I know some people will dismiss it as middle class mothers moaning, but it's not, it's a cross-class problem and is more about how women are regarded full stop, which is an extremely hot topic (various debates raging about Page 3, online abuse, Everyday Sexism et al). Nor is it moaning. These women don't want to be labelled as depressed - they want to share the highs as well as the lows. One of my new facilitators Charlotte, works for Comment is Free and we approached The Guardian about using a piece. We had to wait for a suitable news item and one presented itself in the shape of the NHS providing inadequate mental healthcare for mothers. I don't want to denigrate the NHS, I think they generally do a fantastic job, but they can't be all things to all people and a different approach might be called for.

I had a meeting recently with health visitors, some of whom clearly felt more comfortable once they had pigeonholed Mothers Uncovered as a 'creative group', therefore probably a bit hippyish and insubstantial. Yes, there's an arts element to what we do, but arts therapy is an extremely well established and respected tradition across a wide range of of spheres. What we really offer is peer support and community building. Cameron yarps on about the Big Society, but this is hollow and insubstantial. Our poor NHS is being dismantled along with our education system. It breaks my heart that a few suits in Westminster can have such a detrimental effect on the rest of the country but they do. It's time for us all to stand up for what we want and deserve.

Read the full Guardian article here...