is to discover another in places there are no spaces
at least none to call mine.
It's to be constantly amazed
through the haze of exhaustion
at each new day's revelation and blooming.
To meet changes and challenges
and last minute outfits
with smiles through tears of longing
for one whole sleep cycle,
clean dishes or a soak in a clean bath.
It's to notice how well you've turned out
let go or not
but feel for another
more than you ever knew you could.
To know you feel different
accept it and not judge
To strive for perfection
let go of expectation
our ruin and damnation.
To cry for our sins
and feel guilt for the least of things.
To stifle a sneeze, a scream, a shout
not letting those words out
To fall asleep smiling
wake to crying
drawing her close
and always but always finding ways to cope.
To survive a series of mini deaths
salted cheeks smiling on memories
mourning that from which she's moved on
greeting the next phase
promising to always remember
never to forget what’s already been.
To lay awake wide eyed with worry
as a hot baby lays upon you
while you search and think maybe,
maybe I did or could have done something wrong
maybe this one won't be here for long.
To feel responsibility so strong, so depended upon,
it spears you through your core,
sends you a fear quake,
a tremor through your physicality
an ache that make you feel so alone so sore.
To find oneself alone amongst old friends,
a welcome worn out,
an alien, outsider in this new and foreign land
though it looks just like home
something has happened
something has changed
Its me - a mother uncovered.